The Bad Restaurant Reviews- Vetro 1925

 Last night I dined out for peace and gave a restaurant that prompted the longest bad review I'd ever written about anything a second chance. I was feeling charitable. 

 So kick off your shoes and read two reviews of Fayetteville's most expensive fine dining spot, Vetro 1925. 

I Think We Need to Talk... About Pizza.

          Listen, I'm not unaware of what's going on here. I see you out there, sitting on your laptops and tablets thinking about dinner. I know you're thinking that you could order-in and have pizza delivered and it wouldn't take much. Admittedly any delivery or frozen pizza isn't as good even as going to a local place and getting a pie fresh out of the oven but it's just so easy. Making Pizza at home can't possibly be that easy. Right? You have important TV to catch up on. Big Brother season 8 is crazy. Did you miss the mid-season finale of Breaking Bad too? Man, you have got to catch up. Just do it after you make your own pizza. At home. In your very own kitchen. With a little bit of advanced prep you'll be free and clear to stun your significant other and be the envy of your friends and neighbors.

Mini Portobello Mushroom, sauteed leeks, and bacon

Before you go all getting ahead of yourself there are some very important rules.

Think of them as: The Bastard Chef's Commandments for making Pizza at home. These are fundamentals that you shouldn't ever screw up lest you dare take on the wraith of the pizza gods, or your families ,or partners, or roommates, or anyone that ever ate a good pizza. Ready?

1. Don't buy a store-bought crust.  Those Boboli crusts at Walmart are worthless. You may as well just cut a circle out of that empty Amazon box you keep meaning to recycle. If you can't be bothered to make your own then you shouldn't waste you money putting fresh ingredients on that mess. I'm serious. Don't do it.
2. Pre-Heat your oven.  Let's take a moment and pretend that you're trying to burn your house down. Crank it up to 500 Degrees and leave it there til you almost forget that it's on and wait. When you forget it's still on your oven is ready. 30 minutes is ideal. 
3. Don't over-sauce it. According to the board of pizza practitioners at home (BPPH) 9 out of 10 people over-sauce.  Over-saucing is the death of many a good pie and ruiner of many homemade crusts.
4. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) Let the delivery chains and the local spots overload your pizza with their over-priced specialty pies. Have some respect for your pie and yourself.
5.  Buy a baking stone.  If you're going to do this more than once (which you will). To get the crust to cook the way you want nothing works better. Get a Pizza peel while you're at it. I got both items at TJ Maxx for $25. Why's it worth it?  No soggy bottom pies and a way transport your masterpiece from your cutting board to your oven. Gone are the dark days when magical forces were the only way to transport your pie to  the oven without having to mangle or completely dismantle it. Trust me. I've been there.

I Didnt Go to the Gym, I'm Grumpy, I Think I'll Make Root Vegetable Curry

I should’ve gone to the gym.  There’s a grumpy guy with a 12” Henkel in the kitchen dicing root vegetables for a curry dish I’m about to make up. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I’m not accomplishing what I want to. I’m not posting to my blog, I’m not going to the gym and work stress is getting cliché. Make sure it’s a good dice on that turnip.  I feel like such a bum. I tend to gravitate to the couch in these situations. Bring up the Netflix and put a fresh 6 pack of a mighty fine IPA in the fridge. Today, I’m drinking Avery in a can. I like the craft beer in a can the same way I like my cheap domestic stuff in a bottle.  The longer I cut these rainbow carrots and sweet potatoes the more relaxed I’m getting. Now I’ve got to mince the garlic and break out the Le Creuset.

So I didn’t work out. I decided I’d get into some traditional curry flavors thanks to the fancy spices I got at Xmas. The Organic turmeric and ground fenugreek seeds mated with the sautéed vegetables makes the place smell like a fancy Indian buffet. Not the gross ones…  a really classy spot. I just need Naan and some Bollywood on in the background. Really.  Next Mission: Make Naan. Instead I’m deactivating facebook again and listening to mopey emo music. I don’t know how the band She & Him managed to make “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want” more dramatic than Morrissey’s but they did. God my house smells good.  Where was I?

Mealtime at my house is normally about 8:30 and it’s never boring.  Someone gives me a random veggie or some spices they never use and I amass a collection of random ingredients in my fridge until it is so chaotic that  I decide to incorporate everything together . So I’m doing the curry thing. Whenever I get in the kitchen and I’m grumpy I throw the pans around with a ferocity usually reserved for big cover nights in a tiny restaurants. I chop and dice and mince and try to make something I haven’t made before. This is also usually when stuff goes bad. If I was working I’d be in the weeds. I’d have all my eggs in one basket and the basket would be on fire and I’d need 11 of the 12 eggs. Really, I just burn something or forget something because I’m trying to get fancy. But tonight my kitchen smells awesome. Even if it sucks because I overcook it because I’m distracted cooking and writing at the same time a stranger walking past my house could stop by and ask for a table.