The Bastard Chef's Uber Burger

Look. I'm a fan of the simple things, I like pancakes for breakfast, I like BLT's for lunch, I like fresh pesto with Penne, or grilled chicken over mixed greens. I leave all of the fancy shit in the capable hands of professionals. That shit takes too much time at home!



When I make a burger it's beautiful thing. You're getting fresh and awesome. I don't like processed foods, prepacked things, freezer meals, or soda pop. Why not just go out and get a burger? The local places have recently let me down. I just can't get into a burger in a restaurant when I can do some much better at home. Hugo's-- I'm calling you out. Your burger is whack.  Your beef is thrown on the grill frozen.

I stopped off at my local Meat Market and ordered some fresh ground chuck. The perfect burger has fat in it. It's not a healthy snack. It's hamburger. I want mouth watering not any of that 97/3 lean bullshit. I ordered 65/35. and even snagged some of their in-house smoked bacon.

The Bastard Chef Uber Burger

65/35 chuck separated into 1/4lb balls
Salt & Pepper for seasoning 
Bacon (I like 2 strips per patty)
1 package Thomas brand English Muffins *nooks & crannies keep sauces off my shirt
1 cherokee purple tomato slices kept thick
3 alarm cheese sliced (habanero, jalapeno, & chipotle) colby jack.
Herb Greens or your favorite lettuce (just not iceburg )
Mustard
Chipotle Sour Cream Sauce






Caramelized onions my way:
1 stick unsalted sweet cream butter
2lbs sweet yellow onions
2 tea spoons salt
Chipotle sour cream sauce
2 tbls minced cilantro
1 C Sour Cream
1/4 C mayo
1 tbls fresh lime juice
1 seeded chipotle in adobo minced (more to taste)

just stir and combine. I could put this stuff on almost anything.



Gentlemen, start your onions. These bad boys will cook for an hour. Do them first. Slice 'em up and watch 'em cook way down. Always start with more than you'll need. They last for ages and go with anything. 

Throw 3/4 of a stick of butter into your favorite large nonstick skillet and let it melt on a low-med heat. Once the foam subsides fill it up with onions and sprinkle w/ 1 tp salt. It took me about 3 times to get  them all in the pan.

layering the onions & seasoni

Once they're situated. Leave 'em alone. relax. Get your mis en place together. I managed to get everything ready before I'd stirred the onions for the first time.  halfway through and they're just turning soft.

Caramelized onions are the Pièce de résistance in my hierarchy of burger toppings

Bacon! Don't forget it. Make & cool your bacon. med heat. stir your onions once. Drain and set aside.

After another 15 minutes watching Will Smith diving through the air whilst shooting 2 guns simultaneously I threw on the patties. Mash down your 1/4 masses of goodness. generously season both sides with salt & pepper.

I was going for full-on gluttony and took 2 Tbls of butter and melted them w/ 2 crushed garlic cloves. You shooting for a good sizzle when the hit the pan. Don't be afraid to flip your burgers. I'm an avid flipper. I flip those things Constantly. I get a good sear on both sides and then I flip 'em to I slap 'em on a bun. These guys cook fast. Be ready to eat.

Gotta hear the sear!

The mix of all these ingredients isn't a DB Burger or any of those other fancy short-rib stuffed or black truffle adorned burgers. It's a good mix of text and a good mix of flavor. I challenge anyone to not be satisfied after eating a burger like this.

4 minutes later I had the perfect mess of melting onions, cheese, sauce, and medium burger