The Bastard Chef: The world crumbles /the cookie crumbles... time to bake!

When life gives you lemon they say you should make lemonade. I prefer to muddle some lemon slices with some mint add ½ an oz of simple syrup a dash of water and a double shot of Maker’s Mark and then you've got something worthwhile. Life is giving me lemons this week. The world around me which has been fairly stable and rewarding is smoldering in flames… Okay, that might be a little dramatic even for me, sorry. When stuff gets out of hand I like to fall back on things I know. So I called the Bastard Dad for a quick chat. We agreed that when the floor is falling out we like things like working on cars and cooking because they have guaranteed outcomes. If X than Y. Life, not so much. When the flames are licking your heels it's nice knowing where there's an exit.

Wait, Flames? Lemons? Whiskey Drinks? How do we get to Cookies? I'm a cook foremost. I'm all about improvisation. I'm about what's in the fridge and what can I come up with at 3am that won't leave me wrecked when I'm stumbling out of bed for work 3 hrs later. Baking is different. I have to be in the mindset. So on this day of days when I'm grumpy and I want something that I know is going to kick some ass and satiate those cravings I bake cookies. I cream some butter and sugar in my kitchen aid and I overdoes on sugary goodness.

I've got a few varieties in my repertoire and at the top of the list is a Chocolate Chip cookie. Growing up there was nothing better than a Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven. I could annihilate a baking sheet of cookies and half a gallon of vitamin d milk before dinner without breaking a sweat . So I have a bit of a history with cookies and when I went to help w/ my dad's B&B after his stroke I started making cookies. The cookies I made out there were an Oatmeal Peacan Chocolate Chip version of the Alton Brown Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookie. Arguably the pinnacle of buttery chewy chocolate chip goodness. You will be hard pressed to find less than a gleaming review of this recipe. Smell. Close you eyes. Do it, I'm serious. Close your eyes. wait, your eyes are already closed... point being that regardless of how awesome the cookies taste the way the smell permeates the otherwise musty scent of my man-cave really adds another level. It's like being a kid. I made at the B&B because that's how I thought a B&B should smell all the time. like something awesome was always baking awesome.

Let's get down to business. You need to go to the store right now and buy the essentials:
5 min Oatmeal and not that overmilled 1 min crap
Whole Pecans break em into peices yourself dont be a pussy.
Chocolate chips (duh) I use a dark and a semi-sweet 50/50 mix
Brown Sugar
Granulated Sugar
Baking Soda (yours is way out of date)
Eggs
Unsalted Butter
Kosher Salt (why aren't you using this all the time?!? )
Milk (it's only 2 tbls so almost any milk will work)

You're back? Great! Here's a surprise. The Tollhouse and the Alton Brown chewy are practically the same thing! No wonder they're both so awesome. In fact the only difference between the two is the fact that brown uses milk instead of egg white for egg # 2 , and the sugar mix is 1/2 & 1/2 between granulated and brown, oh and he uses 1/2 tp more vanilla. Really? The Alton Brown Chewy is the Tollhouse? Pretty much. So what do I do differently? Wait for it.... Wait for it...... Wait..... oh fuck it, I add 1 C pecans and 1 C Oatmeal and I mix my brown sugar w/ Dark brown sugar. Boom. It's like a totally different ballgame now. You're overwhelmed it's okay. The recipes are easy.

Bastard mash-up of Tollhouse + Chewy

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter +/- I usually use 1 3/4
2 1/4 cups bread flour exactly
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 1/4 cups mix brown & dark brown sugar
1 egg + 1 egg yolk
2 tablespoons milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup Pecans coarsely broken
1 C Oatmeal

Directions:

1. Melt the butter & pour into large mixing bowl (hopefully you've got a kitchen like me)

2. In a separate bowl, sift the flour, salt, and baking soda together.
3. Add the sugar and brown sugar to the melted butter and blend on Med speed 2-3 minutes until creamed. Add the egg, yolk, milk, and vanilla extract and mix until combined.


use your damn scraper

Because there's so much butter and I threw in 2 Tblsp of Buttermilk the dough comes out pretty pretty Gooey. This is FINE. Once everything is combined and you've cool it off in your fridge for a few hours the dough is perfect.

Turn the mixer to low and slowly add the flour mixture until combined. use a rubber spatula and keep it all scraped down. stir in the chocolate chips, pecans, oatmeal on low or Fold them in like I do

the folded in chips, pecans, and oatmeal

chill the dough at least two hours or overnight.
preheat your oven to 365 (Alton says 375) and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
roll about 3-4 tablespoons of dough into balls and place on the cookie sheet. Leave lots of room as they spread while baking. I do 3 sets of 9 cookies to avoid any cookie overlap